This blog will focus on answering questions about Queerplatonic relationships, Queerplatonic partners, and the aromantic spectrum. The contributors are a group of young adults who are also within the spectrum, have a partner, or simply understand the issues surrounding these topics. Please feel free to send an ask or submit a question.
(none of us are, or claim to be, experts. We are simply in the aromantic spectrum and want to contribute to the community)
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
I think that as long as you’re honest with the QPP about your curiosity, and make it clear that, as you say, this isn’t something you want or desire, it’s something you want to just sort of check out, that it’s completely fair to talk about. Open and clear communication are important in conversations like this, but as long as you’re comfortable bringing it up with them, then it’s absolutely a perfectly acceptable conversation to have. Just remember to keep in mind that it may or may not end up being something they’re comfortable helping you with (or maybe even talking about, but you definitely know your situation better than I do, so go ahead see what happens).
~ Hawky
Take it from me - unless your city is actually a white-middle-aged people suburb, you will be FINE! :) When I moved out, I moved to a big city too. Cities are fantastic things! They usually contain a lot of people who are way more accepting of alternative sexualities/orientations/genders, etc… it will probably be BETTER, not worse!
Everyone has this fear initially, but I think that with time, you’ll find that it’s actually going to be okay! Just keep your chin up and work hard! You sound like a lovely person, and I’m sure you’ll make some very nice friends!
— Chekhov
(Sorry this took so long, I work a full week and I’ve been just exhausted… =.=)
I think that sounds like aromanticism! But remember, there’s not a set box. It’s more like a scale - a gradient, if you will. If your feelings are slightly more romantic than aromantic, that doesn’t exclude you! That just means that they are a bit different. You can still comfortably fit under the aro umbrella!
Also - lots of people are actually really into the idea of a very strong platonic relationship so that’s pretty common for QPRs (queerplatonic relationships)!
-Chekhov
Nope, seeking a sexual relationship doesn’t make you romantic! It makes you sexual!
I’m in much of the same boat. So, you feel attracted to people’s mindset - that’s an intellectual attraction! And their bodies - that’s sexual attraction (or sensual, if you’re not into sexing. I’m not sure what your case is.)
Lacking romantic feelings is what makes you aromantic. You can be sexually involved with someone and be aromantic. And you can be in a relationship (platonic, intellectual or romantic!) and still be aromantic. It’s alright to seek out what you need! Don’t worry about having to fit into some kind of tight scope!
Good luck!
~ Chekhov
It’s possible that you are aromantic - lots of aromantics enjoy the physical aspects of a relationship like kissing and cuddling. These acts aren’t inherently platonic or romantic. It depends on what you feel.
On the other hand, it’s possible that you just haven’t met anyone to be attracted to yet. (YES, it’s a possibility, but IT’S NOT A NECESSITY.) Remember - you can’t BRING yourself to crush on anyone. It’s never a good idea to force yourself to try to experience feelings instead of just feeling them naturally.
Anyway, just take some more time to figure it out! Maybe try a platonic relationship with someone, or just read some more things and try to sort yourself out. :) There’s no deadline, so don’t worry about it!
You know, this might sound strange but - it’s not an aromantic issue! A lot of romantic couples—heck, a lot of people in general—might have this problem for a variety of reasons. I guess what I’m trying to say is: your friend isn’t alone in this plight!
Touching is an individual thing for everyone. Some people like lots of contact, other don’t. Sometimes it’s sparrodic. I myself am not very touch-friendly, but it has nothing to do with my aromantic orientation.
The important thing to do is to find someone who understands your needs and is willing to happily meet them. I’m in a relationship with a romantic person who is very touchy, for example. She is willing to meet my needs, and we have learned to compromise on it. So it’s really a matter of working things out, just like any other relationship!
If your friend needs someone who will be willing to do cuddles only on an occassional basis, this is what she’s looking for! Just like everyone else knows what they’d like in a potential partner. It’s important to just talk through this stuff and figure out how you like things. Even if your partner ends up being romantic, that doesn’t mean they won’t be willing to meet your needs. BOTH parties need to be willing to work together to make the other comfortable regardless of orientation.
~ Chekhov
You should give her as many resources as you yourself wish you had when you were as conflicted as her!
Since you have person experience - talk to her! Tell her what it was like for you, compare it with what she feels like, etc… The best thing is when people can figure out the identity for themselves. But it’s always helpful to have lots of information on hand. Give her articles, or blogs or wiki posts about this kind of stuff. Just be supportive and tell her she can always ask for advice here as well!
~ Chekhov
:D No problem! If you need anything else, we’re always happy to talk to you! It’s particularly rewarding to watch someone’s confidence boosted, so thank YOU!
And what if you meet someone - but you’re not wrong?
Okay, this post is gonna go out to ALL of you, not just aromantic-central but ALL the identities which struggle with this exact same problem.
What if I’m wrong?
We seem to have this constant nagging fear that labels - identity labels, especially those associated with a minority sexual or gender identity - are like one of those really bad-quality stickers. You can stick it on real easy, but if you try to peel it off you can only get the corner, and then there’s these really annoying sticky white streaks and you try to use Goo-gone and it doesn’t work and you’re frustrated because you don’t want to label yourself incorrectly and walk around like a fool with a mis-labeled half-peeled square on your forehead.
Aromantics aren’t the only people that have this inherent fear. Hell, sometimes as a bisexual I wonder ‘what if I’m wrong? What if I’ve just convinced myself I like chicks? What if it’s going to stop abruptly next tuesday and I won’t have anything to show for it?’. But of course, that’s not how it works.
But in fact, Erika Moen deals with this on a level. You can find a lot about her online, she’s quite a personality on the internet, and I’m sure she qualifies for internet fame, so a quick search won’t kill ya. But she struggled with the fact that, after ID-ing as a lesbian she fell in love with a man and settled down with him. (I’m trying to find the lovely comic she made about Identity but I can’t locate it right now.)
Well here’s the deal: LABELS AREN’T BAD-QUALITY STICKERS.
Identities are fluid. Gender is fluid. Sexuality is fluid. Certain metals are fluid at room-temperature. Certain people’s identity is fluid at room temperature. Certain people’s identity is solid, until it’s heated up to a certain situation, and THEN it’s fluid!
Labeling yourself as aromantic now WILL NOT embarrass you in years to come. I mean, yeah, it looks like it might… but it won’t!
An identity, like being aromantic, is not a piece of clothing you commit to for the rest of your life. It’s just where you are in life right now, where you feel comfortable. So you’re aromantic? Great! So maybe one day you’ll fall in love? Great! Enjoy it! Don’t worry! A single love won’t cancel out the fact that you’ve had previous tons of experience with being aro.
At least that’s my take on things.
Respect yourself, and respect your ability to ID yourself without feeling shame for it.
~ Chekhov
I don’t see why there can’t be?
I mean, if you have someone long-distance and you want to be in a relationship with them, platonic or romantic or otherwise, that should be up to you to coordinate!
- Chekhov
